7 Dec 2018
Tom Richardson | Notes on Adelaide
A phantom poo vandal has been operating deep in the bowels of state parliament house, prompting a stern rebuke from the building’s management to all staff – including the state’s 69 MPs.
A smear inquiry with a difference is underway, after a mysterious perpetrator has been consistently over-effusive with their effluent in the smallest room in the House – the male MPs’ WC.
In an email as explosive and pungent as the feculence it decries, the secretary of the joint parliamentary service committee, Rick Crump, has slammed the poo vandal’s “blatant disregard and lack of respect” for fellow toilet-goers and cleaning staff, warning that the “significantly soiled” facilities could also leave a bad taste in the mouths of visiting dignitaries.
“This situation cannot continue,” Crump declares.
The perturbed parliamentary officer warned an unofficial Poo Patrol may be deployed in a bid to flush out the culprit, lest their crappy capers further soil the building’s reputation.
To encounter an environment like that surely leaves a very distasteful and lasting impression of the institution
The email – which has inevitably leaked out – is addressed “to all Parliament House Occupants”, and entitled: “Gentlemen’s Toilets In Parliament House”.
“On numerous occasions during recent sitting weeks of the Parliament, the Gentlemen’s toilets across a number of floors of Parliament House have been significantly soiled,” Crump began.
“It has been left to the cleaning staff and Building Services Officers to clean up the mess left by the person responsible.
“The blatant disregard for and lack of respect shown to other occupants of the building, especially the hard working Building Services staff, is very concerning.”
The heated spray set tongues wagging yesterday, with the corridors of influence awash with talk of effluence.
Crump notes that “these toilets are often used by members of the public and guests of the Parliament”.
“To encounter an environment like that surely leaves a very distasteful and lasting impression of the institution,” his lavatory lament goes on.
“This situation cannot continue.”
Nominal father of the house, Labor’s Tom Koutsantonis, insisted: “We have to get to the bottom of this!”
“It’s causing a real stink, and needs to be cleaned up immediately,” he said.
Staff, however, are undeterred by the turd, and are attempting to glean some nuggets of information with which to finger the poo vandal.
“Staff have taken it upon themselves to monitor the state of the toilets,” Crump warns, “and while they may be willing to confront the culprit, the best outcome would be simply for the practice to cease”.
“All occupants are called on to be mindful of the state in which they leave these and any other toilets in the building, and to show respect to those who clean them by leaving them clean and presentable.”
InDaily understands that, rather than putting paid to the parliamentary porcelain, the phantom poo vandal has been opting to leave his deposits next to – rather than in – the latrines.
The shit-stirring felon – and Crump’s muckraking email – were “the talk of the town” at an end-of-session parliamentary Christmas drinks do last night, according to insiders.
Speaker Vincent Tarzia, who as chair of the joint parliamentary service committee has been left carrying the can for the inquiry, told InDaily: “It’s a shame that it has hit the fan over this.”
“We are monitoring and ask the culprit to pull their head in,” he said.
Upper House president Andrew McLachlan noted facetiously: “I can’t imagine it will be anyone from the Legislative Council.”